How to help a friend in need? Be practical.

When tragedy, a major life change, illness or sadness hits someone you know you’ll probably ask “Is there anything I can do for you?” and you’ll usually hear “I’m fine” because suffering from a loss our numb brain and shattered heart draw a blank. Dr. Will Marling gives clear guidance in this short video on how to help.  “When you make that comment… (the person’s) not thinking, ‘Yeah, the grass hasn’t been mowed, and my mortgage needs to be paid, and the dog needs to be let out.’ All very practical things. And many times, that’s really what we need to focus on. How do you discover those practical needs? By asking them.” Helping others in need is in our nature and sometimes we don’t know how. I completely agree that little things make a huge impact. Acts of simple kindness show you care.

The video focuses on mass tragedy but the advice works for any situation big or small. Last week I was unexpectedly sick and a sweet neighbor instinctively offered practical help and I’m incredibly grateful. She met my daughter at the bus stop, joined me at urgent care,  picked up prescriptions and milk for my daughter’s breakfast. Lots of “little” things that allowed me to rest and get well which was “huge”. A big THANK YOU to all who have ever helped me. Your kindness will be long remembered. xoxoxoxo

Be-Kind-quote-by-Plato

Transcript – Trauma is something that’s unexpected, out of our control, and is outside of our ability to prevent it. And so that really by definition is a loss. You can have the loss of life; the loss of physical control, which is an injury; the loss of emotional control, which is a mental health need; you can have a financial loss. So loss of that nature brings trauma.

A mass casualty can take the form of a violent crime or an individual involved in harming lots of other people. It can be a natural disaster. It can be a combination of those things. Many times in the public, people don’t know how to respond, and so they kind of default to what they would perceive to be something that’s helpful. So, donating clothes, knitting things, sending food, this kind of thing. And ironically, in many situations, that’s not really that helpful. Somebody drove a truck, a tractor trailer full of fruitcake and actually parked it in the middle of the disaster zone. You know, one [laughs] fruitcake would be plenty, actually, but, you know, in the, in the midst of this natural disaster, it’s not the right kind of resources that people typically need. They need other kinds of resources, and those needs commonly revolve around immediate safety and security issues, immediate emotional support, and then time to recover to some degree. What do you typically get when you say, “Well, is there anything I can do for you?” “Oh, there’s nothing. You know. I’m fine.” When, at that casket, when you make that comment to that widow at her, you know, her husband’s visitation, she’s not thinking, “Yeah, the grass hasn’t been mowed, and my mortgage needs to be paid, and the dog needs to be let out.” All very practical things. And many times, that’s really what we need to focus on. How do you discover those practical needs? By asking them.

In the aftermath of a situation, people are recovering emotionally, physically, financially. And many times, those needs are lifelong. If a person loses his or her job, and can’t work, that’s an issue of disability. That’s a need. Funeral expenses, dealing with medical expenses, medical bills, sometimes they’re still trying to make their house payment. Do they have resources to be able to manage with that? Do they have the ability to get workers comp or long-term disability? That can be questionable. A manager of a compensation program, a state compensation program, told me that they consider the average cost of a shooting victim who survived to be roughly fifty thousand dollars. That’s the calculable consideration for their cost, their expenses. And so even just financially, that’s where donations can be helpful. And so it’s important for the public to be thoughtful, to make sure that whatever account that you might be contributing to is actually legitimate. Take an extra step or two to ask some questions, to do a Google search, and to make sure it’s legitimate and authentic.

When you think about how we respond to a person, we challenge people to ask the question: Am I really defining their trauma for them by the statement that I’m making? For instance, “God wanted your loved one more than you did; that’s why he took your loved one.” Well, when you kind of examine that phrase, what are we really doing? We’re defining that loss for that individual. Most people who are experiencing that kind of loss would say, “that’s not helpful. I don’t find actually that that is comforting to me.” Comforting phrases, truly comforting phrases, are really the kind of phrases that empower the person to have control. One of the big phrases that we use, really, in terms of crisis intervention is, “I’m so sorry that your loved one died.” And use that person’s name, “I’m so sorry that Bill died.” Because we’re affirming the value of that person that they’ve lost, and we’re affirming the reality of what they’ve experienced. Now, the easiest thing, believe it or not, is to say nothing. And that can be helpful, just to be with the person. If we don’t know what to say, you can simply say, “I’m here with you. I just want to support you.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s